not that i am expecting anyone to read my blog cause i dont really care . i am not earning money with my blog or wanting attention from anyone . so , whatever ?
recently have been using 'whatever' , this word very often . things turned out pretty mess up since 2010 started . problems were continuously coming to me and i seemed couldnt do anything with them . life became upside down and everything seemed couldnt go on the right way , or even my own way . when i wanted it to turn left and it turned out to be at the right hand side . even problems seemed never wanted to go away from me , and still forced myself to fake smiles and hide everything and never showed it on my face . my tears always in the eyes when i was worshiping God , guess God knew what was happening in me and maybe He cried for me too . there were so many many things out there waiting for me and making me hard to breathe . i always wanted to do something but it seemed i never got the chance to do it .
i have a very scary thought .
if i still couldnt decide on what to study , i might continue to work until i know what to do .
scary is it ? it did scare me when i have this thought in my mind . i am serious about it . pastor said God always wanted to give us the best , even if you have chosen a road that He wasnt planned for you , He will still bless you , but not the best , so He wanted us to walk on the road that He has planned for us , we might not like it but He promised He will guide us till the end of it .
friday cell and sunday service were talking about the same thing , almost the same . i wonder was the message especially for me from God . i kept thinking about it , until now .
my brain seems to be lack of places for me to hide my problems when the old ones are still here . there are so many things in my mind and i can only think one of them at one time .
breathless , hopeless , useless .
and now i need the freaking paper , MC so much . i am worried that i will not get it . without the FREAKING paper , i will get into troubles , the persons in charged of me will get into troubles , my supervisor will get into trouble and maybe there still have but i dont know . i bet they will hate me . they have been treated me good and yet i get them into trouble , i am terrible .
SCG , God is putting us into a difficult situation so that we could learn something from it , prepare us for Him . He wont put us into a situation where things couldnt be fixed . He knows our abilities , our capacities , so no matter how hard the situation is , we will able to go through it , cope with it , fix it .
obviously , i am getting myself into trouble . Guess God wanted me to learn the lesson . yes , i learnt it , i have experienced it . time to fix it , any idea , God ?
i have been using my nights to think what to say to get that freaking paper . it is useless i know but i couldnt help myself .
what should i do ? cry ? scream ?
which way should i use ? explain ? does it help ?
tough days , i hate fake smiles on my face .
Labels: 2010, daily life, explosion of feelings
